The Aussie-Canadian Alliance
by Thesilverlaurel
Summary: A series of drabbles centred around Matthew 'Canada' Williams and Jett 'Australia' Kirkland, with multiple appearances from other characters. Rating bumped up to T for sex references.
1. Telescope

**Characters:  
Matthew 'Canada' Williams  
Arthur 'England' Kirkland  
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland  
Francis 'France' Bonnefoy**

**Pairings: Mentions of FrUK**

**Summary; Arthur has built a telescope to spy on other countries with, and has invited Matthew to take a look.**

* * *

"Dad, isn't that a little…" Matthew trails off, gazing at the telescope towering above him.

"Brilliant? Amazing? Beautiful?" Arthur asks, a little over-excited. "Perfect description of a British gentleman," he says, adjusting his tie, smirking in a douchebag way that only Francis will ever find sexy.

"I was going to say excessive," Matthew mumbles. The telescope is huge, towering high over the two men. The metal is well-polished and blindingly shiny. The blocky metal stand holding it up is the height of Matthew, and a series of cogs allow the telescope to spin the whole 360°, to face any direction. It stands atop a tower atop a hill, the cold wind whipping around them.

Arthur apparently didn't hear, and is peering through the lens, tongue sticking out as he adjusts a series of knobs.

"Shouldn't it be pointing towards the sky," Matthew asks, pointing upwards.

"What?" Arthur stares at his former colony as if he's mad, "No! This beauty isn't for stargazing; it's for spying on other countries, to find their weaknesses!"

Matthew sighs, "You'd know their weaknesses if you paid attention at meeting instead of strangling Papa."

"Yes, that's nice lad," Arthur calls, clearly caught up in adjusting his telescope.

Matthew grits his teeth, and gives another sigh, "So… who are you spying on?"

Arthur mumbles something along the lines of, "Yes, leave the spying to the British," before properly answering, "Australia."

"Australia!" Matthew exclaims, "But he's on the opposite side of the world!"

"Don't doubt me, lad!" Arthur hollers, "A little to the left… focus… bring it back… focus… got it!"

"Eh?" Matthew just gapes as Arthur does an awkward little victory dance, then gestures for Matthew to take a peek.

Through the lens, at first all Matthew can see is blue. "I don't see anything… oh wait! Yes I do!" In the centre of the image, a tanned arm sticks up apparently clenched into a fist.

Carefully, Matthew gives a knob a cautious twist. The image zooms in on the hand. As the image comes into focus, Matthew can clearly see Jett's middle finger pointing skywards.

"Yep," Matthew zooms the image back, a small voice in the back of his head wondering how Jett knew Arthur was spying on him, "That's definitely Australia."

* * *

**Inspired by a Hetalian friend's comment that Australia is so far away from the rest of the world that he's probably the last to know about a lot of things and often gets left out, which would make him pretty pissed.**

**I don't own Hetalia, or a giant telescope. **


	2. Heaven and Hell

**Characters:  
Matthew 'Canada' Williams  
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland  
Kumajiro (Canada's bear)  
Steve (Ausralia's koala)  
Arthur 'England' Kirkland  
Francis 'France' Bonnefoy (Canada's Papa)  
Natalya 'Belarus' Arlovskaya (knife-lady)**

**Pairings: Mentions of FrUK**

**Summary; Matthew and Jett, while high, come to an odd conclusion about their countries.**

* * *

Matthew and Jett sit on the kitchen floor, surrounded by empty crisp packets and sweet wrappers. By their slurring words, silly giggles and dilated eyes, it wouldn't take a genius to work out that they're high.

"H-hey! Hey, Canada, mate!" Jett exclaims, "What's Canada even like? Like the… like the… not like you, 'cause I already know you… I mean, like, the country- what's the country like?"

"Eh? Well… it's cold… and very, very white… and it smells like pancakes and good manners."

"Good manners?" Jett shrieks, "How can a place… smell… like good manners? What the… what do good manners even smell like?"

"I don't know," Matthew frowns, "But that's what Canada smells like."

"If you don't know what good manners smell like, how do you know that Canada smells of good manners?"

Matthew pauses. His eyes twirl around the room, his finger rising and falling in the way people's fingers do when they're thinking. "I-I-I don't know… but anyway," his arms flail randomly, "What's Australia like?"

"Like, really hot and dry and orange," Jett says, staring off into space, "Do we have any Cheetos left?"

"We're in England," Matthew reaches for the shiny blue packet, "They're called Wotsits."

Jett takes the foil bag. "Fucking Arthur!" he exclaims, stuffing a handful of the cheesy snack into his mouth.

"That's Papa's job!" Matthew says, giggling. Jett giggles with him, spitting half-chewed Wotsits over himself and the floor.

"Mate!" Jett yells suddenly, grabbing Matthew's arm, "If Canada is all, like, white, and Australia's really hot, does that mean that Canada is heaven and Australia is hell?"

Matthew glares at the orange stain on his sleeve, then his eyes widen as Jett's words sink in. "H-hey! That makes sense! A-and heaven would be all cold if hell is hot! And Canada's on top of the world," he raises a hand to symbolise Canada, then another to symbolise Australia, "And Australia is, like, opposite!"

As Matthew and Jett celebrate their epiphany, Kumajiro and Steve exchange a look.

"Our people are ridiculous," Kumajiro says.

"You can say that again," Steve nods in agreement, "Eucalyptus?"

"I've got seal, thanks. Wanna go roll all over knife-lady's dresses?"

"Sounds like a plan."

* * *

**We were really bored one lesson. Don't judge us. The idea of Kumajiro and Steve rolling on Belarus's dresses is that my ginger cat rolled over my (black) school jumper and got hair all over it. I figured that something similar would happen on Belarus's dark clothing.**

**I don't own Hetalia, or Cheetos/Wotsits. It annoys me that my computer accepts Cheetos as a word, but not Wotsits. Also, Cheetos aren't sold in England, but we have Wotsits instead, which I think are just the same thing. The more you know.**

**-Laurel Silver**


	3. Bass

**Characters:  
Matthew 'Canada' Williams  
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland  
Alfred F. 'America' Jones**

**Pairings: Some brotherly AmeriCan**

**Summary: Somebody keep Jett away from the electronica...**

* * *

Matthew slobs ungracefully across the armchair, shirt and shoes gone, jeans rolled up, a small electric fan blowing his sweat-logged hair around randomly as he keeps moving it about, trying to find the optimum angle to cool his face.

The hand-held fan clatters to the floor as a cry of terror echoes around the Australian home.

Quick as a whip, Matthew dashes up the stairs and into the first room he comes across- Jett's bedroom. There, he finds Jett knelt beside a large musical instrument shaped rather like an overgrown violin. "Jett, what happened?"

Jett looks up at him, tears forming in his eyes. "I… I… I… I dropped the bass!" he leaps up, raving to some trashy electronic music that has suddenly filled the room. Matthew rolls his eyes, and leaves to track down his dropped salvation from the heat.

* * *

Matthew stares at the screen, thumbs kneading the buttons of the controller. Beside him, his southern brother grunts in concentration, willing his pixelated 'hero' to hit Matthew's character harder.

The controller smashes in Alfred's hands as a horrified shriek pierces the cheesy theme tune.

Matthew and Alfred race to the American's garage to find Jett curled up next to a four-stringed guitar.

"Aussie dude!" Alfred hollers, "What happened? Where's the commie- I mean the bad guy? The hero'll save you!"

Jett makes firm eye contact with the self-proclaimed hero. "I… I… I… I dropped the bass!" the annoying music starts up, Jett already up and 'dancing'. Alfred joins him, and Matthew just face-palms, wondering how the hell he can possible be related to these two morons.

* * *

Matthew sits quietly by the window, watching as snowflakes twirl lazily from the sky to join the thick blanket already formed on the ground. Hot steam turns his nose red as he takes welcome gulp of maple-laced coffee, smiling as the godly nectar slides down his throat, the warmth quickly spreading through him.

The serene scene is shattered by a blood-curdling scream.

Unfazed, Matthew takes his time wandering to the kitchen, where Jett is sat by a fish on the floor.

"I… I… I… I dropped the bass!" Once again, that damning noise that likes to call itself music begins to split Matthew's already-abused eardrums. Calmly, Matthew reaches to a socket next to the door and pulls the plug, the music stopping instantly.

As Jett stopped bouncing around the room, Matthew calmly points to the fish and says, "That's a salmon."

* * *

**I don't know where this came from either.**

**Quick shoutout; Inspiration, please! It will be very useful! Whether it's a plot line or just a word/phrase, I'm sure I'll find something. Most of my work tends to be angst, so I need some comedy to write for when I give myself the feels.**

**I apologize to anyone who may be offended by this chapter. I am not a fan of most electric music (though there are some exceptions), and I am not racist and do not believe that all communists are bad guys.**

**I don't own Hetalia, any form of electronica/electric music, the phrase 'drop the bass', any sort of bass, or a salmon  
-Laurel Silver**


	4. Pick-up lines

**Characters:  
Matthew 'Canada' Williams  
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland  
Alfred F. 'America' Jones  
Ivan 'Russia' Braginski  
Natalya 'Belarus' Arlovskaya  
Wellesley 'New Zealand' Cook**

**Pairings: Past AmeriCan, attempted RusCan, attempted AusBel, attempted AmeZe, AusAmeCan**

**Summary: Matthew, Jett and Alfred try some pick-up lines at a bar. Note the word 'try'.**

* * *

"I lost my bear; can I sleep with you tonight?" Matthew pouts. Jett shakes his head, Alfred copying him.

"China uses that one all the time, mate," Jett says, shrugging, "You've gotta think of something better than that."

"The pout was good though!" Alfred sticks his two cents in.

Matthew rolls his eyes. "I have got something better, but I've never used it before."

"Go try it!" Jett gives his a shove, scanning the bar, "On… that guy!" he points to a figure downing a shot glass.

Matthew shoots him a smirk that Papa Francis had taught him, and leaves.

"Seriously though, a night with Mattie and you'll never forget his name again," Alfred comments randomly, "'Cause it's hard to forget a name after you moan it all night."

Jett's jaw drops, "He's your brother!"

Alfred shrugs. "Incest is wincest."

Matthew sidles up to the fore-pointed character and leans close to them. "Y'know, Canada's the second largest country in the world, and don't the other nations know it~" he gives a wink that would make Francis look frigid.

"Da," the character says, and Matthew freezes, "And Mother Russia is the largest country in the world, comrade. Speaking of which, we need to be discussing ownership of the North Pole, da?"

Ivan turns around, grin and creepy stare in place. Matthew gives a manly squeak and backs away. "N-n-no, the North Pole is mine…"

Ivan chuckles. "We will see, little one."

"Maple…" Matthew backs away even further, then finally builds up the courage to break eye contact and dashes back to his brothers at the bar.

"Okay, maybe that wasn't such a good idea…" Alfred muses aloud.

Jett nods in agreement, and downs the last mouthful of his lager. "Guess it's my turn, now," he saunters off, picking out a feminine figure with long, pale hair. "G'day, Sheila," he says, grinning sweetly, "Wanna go down under?"

The girl turns around, and Jett quakes in fear under Natalya's glare. "Uh… Russia's over there!" he points at the large scarfed man still cackling to himself about his newly-forming plan to get Canada to become one with him.

Jett slinks back to the bar as Ivan screams in terror. Alfred laughs loudly at Ivan being chased from the pub by his little sister. "I guess it's the hero's turn now!" he exclaims, jumping to his feet. He's already chosen his prey; a small character he'd seen earlier. He's not sure whether the character is male or female, but he thought the curls on either side of the character's head, making the character look like an adorable little goat or sheep or something, were kinda cute. "Hey, baby, on a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?"

Wellesley turns around slowly, eyebrow raised. "Bitch please, I'm New Zealand."

Alfred throws his arms in the air in defeat, storming back to the bar. "Y'know what, let's just go have a threesome, it'll be so much easier!"

"But we're brothers!" Jett shrieks, "That's wrong, on so many levels!"

Matthew shrugs, "Incest is wincest."

Jett struggles and fights as Matthew seizes the Australian by one arm, Alfred by the other, and the North American twins frog-march him out of the bar. Wellesley just laughs from behind a glass of lager.

The morning after, Jett admits that Alfred was right; you can't forget Matthew after a night with the America-approved Canadian.

* * *

**A/N:**

**I don't know where this one came from either. And please don't try these pick-up lines; they're so cheesy I now have an onion craving...**

**I'm not sure of Wellesley's gender, so I didn't write one.**

**Anyone else loving the idea of a Matthew-Jett-Alfred threesome? Unfortunately I'm not very good at writing porn, so you'll have to imagine that one yourself :P**

**Still don't own Hetalia. If I did, Wellesley wound have an easier-to-spell name  
-Laurel Silver**


	5. Cuddling

**Characters:  
****Matthew 'Canada' Williams  
****Francis 'France' Bonnefoy  
Arthur 'England' Kirkland  
Alistair 'Scotland' Kirkland  
Ivan 'Russia' Braginski  
Kumajiro (Canada's bear)  
Alfred F. 'America' Jones  
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland  
Steve (Ausralia's bear**

**Pairings: fatherly Franada, fatherly Maple Tea, past FrUK, past brotherly Britcest, negotiable RusCan, negotiable AusCan**

**Summary; "It would seem that multiple nations enjoy cuddling Matthew."**

* * *

It would seem that multiple nations enjoy cuddling Matthew.

Francis likes to wrap his arms tightly around his ex-colony and hold him close. He buries his delicate nose into the crook of the younger's neck and breathes deeply, swallowing the scent of maple and freshly fallen snow.

Arthur likes to sit with Matthew resting against his shoulder. Whether it's because he misses his colonies or misses the times when Francis would lean on him like that when they were children, no one is quite sure.

Alistair always leans on Matthew when he's too drunk to stand. Matthew is always kind enough to make sure Alistair gets home, and always props the intoxicated Scot on his side up on his side in case he's sick. Alistair always grabs him, dragging him close, cradling him like a child. Matthew always attempts to escape, and always fails. Alistair has never told Matthew that he can't actually get drunk, especially not on whiskey. He has always faked his drunkenness, because he knows that Matthew will always take him home, and will always fall asleep curled up in his arms, just like each of Alistair's sibling had done before fighting and wars had torn them apart.

When he's not sitting on the poor Canadian, Ivan may force Matthew onto his knee and cuddle him in a similar way to which Matthew will cuddle Kumajiro. He flatly refuses to let him go, to the extent that if he has to get up to fetch something or answer the phone, he will carry Matthew with him, ignoring the Canadian's protests. When confronted by Alfred, Ivan had simply said that Canada was one of the few countries with a similar temperature to Russia, so he could cuddle him comfortably without having to worry about his body temperature rising, which would affect his country. Alfred said that Ivan should at least ask Matthew's permission before manhandling him. Ivan was too distracted by Arthur and Francis's fighting to hear him.

Jett hates visiting Matthew in Canada because it's so cold. However, he loves stepping off the plane because Matthew will be stood there with an armful of coats and winter clothes, understanding how unused Jett is to the cold. He dresses Jett quickly, fastening all ties and buttons and scarves tightly. Jett also loves arriving at Matthew's house, because Matthew helps him to shed most of his layers, then sits him and their bears in front of the fire as he makes hot chocolate. They sit next to each other, chatting idly, for hours on end. Matthew often falls asleep there, leaning on Jett's shoulder. Jett will just sit there, Steve and Kumajiro at his feet, Matthew's head on his shoulder, content with the calmness and peace. Unfortunately, both tend to have stiff backs and a burnt-out fir in the morning, resulting in a very grumpy Aussie. And then the whole process repeats itself that next morning.

* * *

**Just some fluff to let you know that I'm still alive. School has started, so I'm trying to fit this around a 9-5 college/high school schedule, as well as writing four other stories. This will be updated as often as I can update it.**

**Seriously, guys. I've left secondary/middle school now, and have ended up going to a different college/high schedule to my Australia, so our crazy conversations will no longer inspire these chapters. Also, because only one person has ever commented, I don't know if anyone's actually enjoying this madness. Please talk to me! A random word, did you like/dislike a certain chapter/phrase/section, do you have any sort of question, ANYTHING! I don't get much social interaction, please communicate with me, or I will be sad and lonely 5ever.**

**I don't own Hetalia. My number of friends had decreased. That was a Death Note reference. I don't own Death Note.  
-Laurel Silver**


	6. Hte Internets

**Characters:  
Matthew 'Canada' Williams  
Kumajiro (Canada's bear)  
Ludwig 'Germany' Beilschmidt (Doitsu)  
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland  
Steve (Jett's bear)  
Gilbert 'Prussia' Beilschmidt (a certain albino/King of the Phony Nations Table)  
Arthur 'England' Kirkland  
Feliciano 'Veneziano' Vargas  
Ivan 'Russia' Braginski  
Yao 'China' Wang (Yao-Yao)**

**Pairings; GerIta, RoChu**

**Summary; In which Steve is sick, Alfred is dancing, Matthew is lonely, Feliciano overhears that someone's mom hates spaghetti, and what the hell is Ivan doing with his hands hidden in his lap under the table?!**

* * *

Matthew fiddles with Kumajiro's fur, barely paying attention to Ludwig's lecture. At least, not until Ludwig starts bellowing at a figure stood in the doorway.

"YOU ARE FIFTEEN MINUTES LATE!"

Alfred just stares at him, holding up a Starbucks as if that answered every question. Ludwig and several others facepalm.

Alfred wanders over to Matthew as Ludwig starts his lecture back up. "Hey hat~"

Matthew's eyes roll. "Bonjour, mon frère."

Alfred frowns at the use of French, but quickly brushes it off. "Where's Jett?"

"Steve's sick, so they're still in Australia."

"Bummer. You're still talking to him though, right?"

"Of course I am, why wouldn't I be?"

"'Cause he's so far away."

"Internet, Alfred. We use the Internet."

"What, like e-mails and stuff?"

"Well, kinda. We use Facebook."

Alfred pulls a face. "Facebook sucks. Tumblr is way better."

"Tumblr?" Matthew asks, "Is that a new social networking site?"

Alfred spits out his Starbucks, showering Matthew in the thick frothy liquid. "You don't know what Tumblr is?! Tumblr is, like, **_life_**."

Matthew calmly wipes a sleeve over his face. "That's ridiculous, Alfie."

"But it is! You can talk to people from all over the world, you can learn about feminism and politics, T.V. shows you've never even watched, and there are puppies and kitties and monkeys in coats, and roleplayers and fanart and fanfics and it's all just awesome!"

After scanning the room for a certain albino liable to jump out of nowhere screeching about his awesomeness, then deducing that former kingdom is too busy ruling over the Phony Nations Table, Matthew gives his brother a condensing stare. "You really need to sort your priorities out."

"But…" Alfred flails, exasperated, "It's so awesome… and you get funny jokes and picture and gifs-"

"Gifs?" Matthew interrupts.

"Yeah… they, like… move…"

"Like in Harry Potter?" Matthew asks. Across the room, Arthur beams with pride.

"Kinda. They get taken from T.V. programmes and films and YouTube videos, and some people make their own, and some of them are really funny, like," Alfred stands up, puts his coffee down, and starts doing some sort of awkward shuffle-dance-thing, "When u mom come home and make hte spaghetti."

"Hate spaghetti?" Matthew exclaims without thinking.

"Ve! Who hates spaghetti?" Feliciano's eyes start brimming with tears.

"No one!" Alfred yell, thinking even less than his brother had.

Feliciano wails, throwing himself at Ludwig, the solid blond apparently fully prepared for the attack, catching the Italian and allowing himself to be snuggled into like an oversized teddy bear. Ludwig speaks calmly and quietly to Feliciano, gently coaxing the situation out of the excitable little man. The rest of the nations watch in confusion as Feliciano gives a rushed, garbled explanation that only Ludwig seems to be able to follow.

"Which one of you said he hated pasta?" he glares at the brothers.

"Neither," Matthew says before Alfred's huge mouth can get them into any further trouble with the ever-famed Doitsu, "We were discussing a gif."

"Yeah," Alfred starts the strange dance again, "When u mom come home and make hte spaghetti."

"So your mom hates spaghetti!" Feliciano cries.

"No! 'Hte' was just 'the' spelt wrong! Y'know, like, h-t-e instead of t-h-e."

Ludwig stares blankly for a few songs before sighing, "I'll get Gilbert to explain it to me later; the meeting's more important." Ludwig settles Feliciano down in his chair, gives him a quick instruction to behave, kisses him on both cheeks, and heads back to the front of the room, determined to ignore the angry blush that has formed across his cheeks.

"What were we talking about before pasta?" Alfred asks Matthew.

Hoping to avoid any more crazy conversations, Matthew not-quite-honestly answers; "Jett. And Facebook."

"Yeah! You've got Wi-Fi on your phone, right?"

"Yes, but we're in a meeting, we're not supposed to be on our phones."

"Big whoop. Practically everyone's on their phones, look! Arthur, Feliciano, even Ivan!"

On hearing his name, the hulking Russian looks up, "Da?"

"On your phone…" Alfred twiddles his thumbs to symbolise texting.

Ivan frowns and slowly raises his hands above the table, a red scarf and a length of wool dangling from his thick fingers.

"What the hell?!" Alfred screeches.

"For Yao-Yao!" Ivan grins.

"Aiyah…" said nation buries his face in his sleeves-covered hands, "So embarrassing, aru."

Ivan's smile only –somehow- gets wider, and he settles the scarf back in his lap, knitting happily.

"See, dude? Nobody cares!" Alfred says, proud of the fact that he's right, even if not everyone is actually on their phones.

Eyeing the room nervously, Matthew takes his phone out of his pocket and opens Facebook, waiting uncharacteristically impatiently for the blue page to load.

'Hey'

In a matter of seconds the red light in the top corner of Matthew's phone flashes.

'Hey mate :)'

* * *

**This started off being inspired by Australia messaging me after I uploaded the previous chapter, but then I was looking through that APH headcannons blog on Tumblr, and the rest just sort of... happened... So enjoy your... whatever you'd refer to this as...**

**And I know that's not completely how the hte spaghetti meme goes, but it's close enough. I also know that not every phone has a flashing red light in the corner, but mine does so it's in the story.**

**I don't own Hetalia, Starbucks, Facebook, Tumblr, the Phony Nations Table, Harry Potter, the hte spaghetti meme, Doisu or Doitsuism. Neither do I own anything indirectly referenced in this story, or anything I may have missed while writing these disclaimers.  
-Laurel Silver**


	7. Marmite Pancakes

**Characters:  
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland  
Matthew 'Canada' Williams**

**Pairings: None**

**Summary; Matthew makes pancakes. Jett has Marmite. Marmite Pancakes.**

* * *

Jett watches eagerly as Matthew whisks the batter, tongue hanging slightly out of his mouth. The thick yellowy mixture splashes slightly around the glass bowl, but not a single drop spills over the edges.

Matthew gently spoons small amounts of the unsweetened batter into the preheated pan. Hot oil spits and pops, tiny drops stinging Matthew's hands and forearms.

Six little pancakes cooking in the pan, Matthew watches carefully, already armed with his favourite spatula/fish splice. As he flips them, the opposite side is perfectly golden. Matthew stacks the fluffy foodstuffs on a plates, and cooks the rest of the batter, repeatedly slapping Jett's hand away whenever the impatient Australian reaches out for the tasty treat.

Eventually, the batter is gone, and Matthew moves the stack to the centre of the table, Jett merrily placing a jar of Marmite and a jar of Vegemite either side of the stack. He grabs the first pancake, smothers it in Marmite, and takes a big bite. Matthew copies him.

Jett moans in pleasure, wolfing the pancake down and reaching for another before he's even swallowed. Matthew, however, pulls a face of disgust, and ends up spitting the mouthful out as Jett just laugh and hands him a glass of water. Matthew ends up letting Jett finish the tainting pancake and grabbing his emergency bottle of maple syrup.

Marmite. You either love it or you hate it.

* * *

**Inspired by 'Guest' writing that the pairing should be called 'Marmite Pancakes' and I agree wholeheartedly!**

**And, yes, you read that right; I have been getting reviews! This makes me happy! And as you can see, it offers inspiration and encouragement. *hint hint***

**I don't own Hetalia, Marmite or Vegemite. Or pancakes.  
-Laurel Silver**


	8. Competitive

**Characters:  
Alfred F. 'America' Jones  
Matthew 'Canada' Williams  
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland  
Kumajiro (Canada's bear)**

**Pairings: Brotherly AusAmeCan**

**Summary; Aflred and Jett are very competitive. Matthew usually just leaves them to it.**

* * *

Alfred watches intently, breathing down Matthew's neck as Matthew carefully manoeuvres the pixelated characters. Squares of red and blue fill the screen, and the game moves on.

"Dude, I've been stuck on that for, like, ages!" Alfred exclaims.

Matthew smiles. "It's just basic puzzle solving, really. I'm pretty good at that."

"Hells yeah! I take my hat off to you, sir!"

"Did someone say... **_hat off?_**" Jett dives through the door, a cork hat balanced on his head.

Alfred's eyes narrow over-dramatically. Jett copies the action, and Matthew swears he can hear the tense whistling music from those Wild-West stand-offs.

Magically, with no explanation, a Stetson appears on Alfred's head. Before Matthew has a chance to ask any sort of question, Jett's cork hat turns into a fez, then Alfred's Stetson becomes a trilby hat. After a few minutes of watching his brothers destroy the laws of physics, Matthew decides his hungry and goes to make poutine.

* * *

Jett stands by the barbeque, begrudgingly flipping Alfred's precious burgers, trying to 'accidently' cause one, or all, of them to slip through the grill into the flames below. He hasn't yet realised that the burgers are much too thick to fit between the bars of the grill, but Matthew's letting him try. Alfred struggles with the beer bottle, palms cut open by the metal cap. He hasn't yet realised that the bottle requires a bottle opener, but, again, Matthew's letting him try.

"I don't get it!" Alfred exclaims, "It should just twist off!"

"Did someone say…**_twist off?_**" Jett yells. The previous radio music suddenly changes to You Can Never Tell [the music used during the twisting competition in Pulp Fiction], and both Jett and Alfred are dancing to it, apparently forgetting their previous tasks.

Matthew ignores them. He also ignores Alfred's complaints when Jett 'accidentally' knocks the barbeque, sending the half-cooked burgers into the mud.

* * *

Alfred glances at Kumajiro. "You are _not_ getting this hot dog."

Kumajiro's eyes widen to the size of saucers. "Please, burger-man?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top?"

"No. Fuck off."

"Did someone say… **_fuck off?_**" Jett exclaims.

Matthew walks out of the room, Kumajiro two steps behind, in the biggest 'nope' the Canadian representatives have ever committed.

* * *

**This is inspired by my favourite Happiness and Cyanide comic.**

**The game Alfred is playing is 'No One Has To Die'. It's a browser game, and it's pretty weird. It only takes about 20 minutes to complete, and trying to explain it would ruin it. There was one level I was stuck on for a little while.  
****Matthew being good at puzzles is (kind of) a HetaOni referance. I'm sorry!  
****'Burger-man' is a Giving In reference. I'm not sorry.****  
**

**I don't own Hetalia, the song You Can Never Tell, Pulp Fiction, Happiness and Cyanide, No One Has To Die, HetaOni or Giving In. I make no money.  
-Laurel Silver**


	9. If you were gay

**Characters:  
Matthew 'Canada' Williams  
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland  
Francis 'France' Bonnefoy (Matthew's Papa)**

**Pairings: mentioned potential FrAus**

**Summary; In which Matthew reads, Jett sings, and Francis takes the subway.  
Note; some lyrics have been changed slightly. I'm sorry.**

* * *

Matthew sits quietly, The Tempest resting in his lap. Not his favourite book, but it will keep him occupied for a few hours. He sighs, content with the silence.

A little red cross-thing twitches onto his forehead as the front door flies open, Jett loudly announcing his arrival; "Hey Mattie!"

"Hi Jett." Matthew says bluntly.

"You'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning!" Jett chatters away, not noticing his Canadian companion's glare, "This guy was _smiling_ at me, and _talking_ to me…"

Matthew frowns. "Was it Papa?"

Jett shakes his head. "He was being _real_ friendly… I think he was coming onto me!"

"Are you sure it wasn't Papa?"

"I think he might have thought _I_ was _gay_."

Matthew clears his throat. "So, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?"

"You don't have to get all defensive about it…" Jett mumbles.

"I'm not getting defensive!" Matthew yells, completely breaking character, before quietening back down, "Why should I care about some gay guy you met that was probably just Papa? I am trying to read," he holds the book up.

"I didn't mean anything by it, Matt. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about…"

"I don't wanna talk about it, Jett, this conversation is over!"

Jett shrugs. "Well, okay, but just so you know; if you were gay, that's be okay. I mean 'cause, hey! I like you anyway!"

"Why does it sound like you're singing!" Matthew eyes Jett.

"Because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say that I was gay, but I'm not gay!"

"That doesn't explain why it sounds like you're singing. But anyway, I am _trying_ to _read_," Matthew pointedly looks down at his book. Upon feeling the Vegemite-laced breath on his neck, he looks up at the Aussie hovering over him. "What?"

"If you were queer," Jett leaps up, "I'd still be here!"

"I'm trying to read!" Matthew exclaims, getting even more irritated than he already is.

"Year after year, because you're dear to me! And I know that you…"

"What? What would I do?"

"Would accept me too…"

"I would?"

"If I told you today; "Hey, guess what, I'm gay!" But I'm not gay!" the silly tune changes suddenly; "I'm happy, just being with you!" he points over-exaggeratedly at Matthew, "So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with _guys_?"

"Jett, that is wrong!" Matthew exclaims.

"No it's not, there's nothing wrong with it! If you were gay," Jett starts kicking his feet in tie with his singing, "I'd shout; "Hooray!" And here I'd stay…"

"I'm not listening to this!" Matthew physically plugs his ears, singing "La-la-la-la-la!" in a failing attempt to drown the loud Australian out.

"But I wouldn't get in your way!" Matthew screams aloud as Jett's voice still manages to penetrate his ears. "You can count on me to always be beside you every day to tell you it's okay, you were just born that way, and as they say; it's in your DNA; you're gay!"

"But I'm not gay!" Matthew yells over his brother's singing.

"If you were gay!" Jett grins.

Matthew flounces back into his seat with a groan. "What the hell Jett?"

"I've had that song stuck in my head all day," Jett says sheepishly, finally settling down into a chair, "I wanted an excuse to let it out."

Matthew glares. "Can I go back to my reading now?"

Jett nods. After a few seconds of silence, he pipes back up again; "And, yeah, it was Francis on the subway."

* * *

**I'm not sure what possessed me to write this, but I think it needed writing.**

**Sorry this took so long. I had it on Doc Manager and forgot to upload it *facepalm***

**I don't own Hetalia, or the song If You Were Gay  
-Laurel Silver**


	10. Draw a circle

**This it a tenth chapter special; Canada and Australia's Marukaite Chikyuu!  
Also, I have decided that if I hit ten reviews (currently on six), I will write Kumajiro ad Steve's versions! Yeah! **

* * *

**Canada**

Hey, hey, papa, can I have poutine?  
Hey, hey, mama! Hey, hey, mama!  
No matter what, I can't forget,  
The taste of maple syrup won't get out of my head!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
I am Canada!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Look closely, that's the Earth,  
Could it possibly be Earth?  
I am Canada!

Oh, a beautiful world,  
That can be seen with the stroke of a single brush,  
I wish you would all remember me,  
I'm not America!

_(I'm the best at hockey, no matter what that Russian hoser says…)_

Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
I am Canada!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Spinning 'round, that's the Earth,  
We live on it; it's the Earth,  
I am Canada!

Oh, with a little frying,  
The recipe of happiness is complete, (_And I added syrup!)  
_The zipper of dreams is opening,  
Hetalia!

Hey, hey, mon frère, I'm making pancakes,  
By the way, mon soeur, could you flip it for me?  
Hey, hey, mémé, peace is best,  
Hey, hey, mon petit, est que pour moi?

Hey, hey, papa, have some beer,  
Hey, hey, mama! Hey, hey, mama!  
No matter what, I can't forget,  
The taste of my lovely maple syrup!

Canada! Canada!  
I'm not America!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
I am Canada!

Oh, a beautiful world,  
That can be seen in the stroke of a single brush,  
I wish you would all remember me,  
I'm not America!

All across the big world,  
The recipe of happiness hides,  
And now we toast to our polar bears,  
Hetalia!

* * *

**Australia**

G'day, daddy, can I have schooner?  
G'day, mummy! G'day, mummy!  
No matter what, I can't forget,  
The taste of vegemite won't get out of my head!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
I'm Australia!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Look closely, that's the Earth,  
Could it possibly be Earth?  
I'm Australia!

Oh, a beautiful world,  
That can be seen with the stroke of a single brush,  
My country's closest to the South Pole,  
But it's really warm!

_(Some people think I'm a whole continent, but that's Oceania. I'm just a country, me…)_

Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
I'm Australia!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Spinning 'round, that's the Earth,  
We live on it; it's the Earth,  
I'm Australia!

Oh, straight off the barbie,  
The recipe of happiness is complete, (_d'you want marmite with that?)  
_The zipper of dreams is opening,  
Hetalia!

G'day, brother, I've got prawns,  
G'day, sister, I've got crab-sticks too!  
G'day, nana, peace is best,  
G'day, kiddo, is that for me?

G'day, daddy, have some lager,  
G'day, mummy! G'day, mummy!  
No matter what, I can't forget,  
The taste of my favourite vegemite!

Australia! Australia!  
There's nothing like Australia!

Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
Draw a circle, that's the Earth,  
I'm Australia!

Oh, a beautiful world,  
That can be seen in the stroke of a single brush,  
My country's closest to the South Pole,  
But it's really warm!

All across the big world,  
The recipe of happiness hides,  
And now we toast to our kangaroos,  
Hetalia!

* * *

**Yes, Matthew and Jett toast to Kumajiro and Steve.**

**And I know the line 'Australia! Australia! There's nothing like Australia!' sounds kinda suck-y, but there used to be an advert played in England about Australia in which people would keep singing that line, so I put it tin there 'cause it's catchy.**

**I don't own Hetalia or anything mentioned in this chapter. Also, in the last chapter, I forgot to mention that I don't own the Tempest, so I'm saying it now; I don't own the Tempest. Please don't sue me.  
-Laurel Silver**

**And I know the line 'Australia! Australia! There's nothing like **


	11. Tentacle Monster

**Characters:  
Kiku 'Japan' Honda  
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland  
Matthew 'Canada' Williams  
Ivan 'Russia' Braginski  
Alfred F. 'America' Jones (Alfie)  
Yao 'China' Wang (Yao-Yao)**

**Pairings: mentioned GerIta, suggested RoChu**

**Summary; Kiku, Jett and Matthew are happily co-existing, when their serenity is shattered by the arrival of a tentacle monster  
TRIGGER WARNING: rape jokes made**

* * *

It is a relatively normal October day in Kiku's Japanese home. Kiku is drawing in a small book he seems to have titled 'GerIta', and every so often a little blood drips from his nose. Jett is playing on his 3DS, whooping in excitement as he moves through his new Pokémon game. Matthew sits in the corner, fanning himself, as even a Japanese autumn is too warm for him.

Suddenly, the serene scene is shattered by the door falling, hinges ripped from the wall, and a writhing green monster wriggles into the room. Its body is hidden under a twisted mass of tentacles, the suckers leaving little circles on the floor and walls as it drags itself into the room.

"Not again!" Kiku exclaims, shoving his drawing book safely under the cushion he had been sitting on and taking up his katana.

"Again?! Fucking again?!" Jett exclaims. "How often does this happen?"

Kiku shrugs. "Just avoid the tentacles."

"Is that thing dangerous? Can I wrestle it?" Jett asks.

"You can wrestle it, so long as you don't mind tentacles shoving themselves up your…" Kiku points to his backside awkwardly. Jett nods his understanding, and slowly, wisely, backs away from the creature.

Kiku focuses back on the creature, forcing himself to breathe steadily. The katana shakes as the small Asian man trembles, and Kiku shuffles away slightly.

"What wrong?" Matthew calls out.

"It's got bigger," Kiku says sadly, "I don't know if I can take it. I'm going to lure it further into the room, and then you two escape around it, okay? There's a big green button on the inside of the front door, you need to press that, then there'll be professional help sent on its way."

Jett and Matthew are about to argue, when part of the ceiling between Kiku and the monster suddenly caves in, a large object falling from above. The object stands itself up, glaring at the monster. The monster stands its ground for a few seconds, before squeaking in fear and retreating faster than an Italian army. The object turns around, a cheery kol-kol-kol-kol escaping from his lips.

"I'm just going to, uh, send a report to the Tentacle Monster Control, so they, uh, know," Kiku shuffles past Ivan, mumbling a soft "thank you" to the hulking Russian.

"And I'm gonna go find you some vodka," Jett announces, addressing Ivan, "And text Alfie; he's gonna be so pissed when he finds out his sworn enemy was his brothers' hero!"

"Why were you even in Kiku's ceiling?" Matthew asks as Jett leaves.

"I was looking for Yao-Yao!" Ivan grins.

"But why the ceiling?" When he doesn't get an answer, Matthew just brings himself to the conclusion that it's just a Russian thing to be in people's ceilings, and asks a slightly more important question; "Now, I know you're a scary guy, but why was a _tentacle monster_ afraid of you?"

Ivan's grin somehow gets wider, and a creepy purple aura begins to seep from his body. "In Soviet Russia, you are not raped by tentacle monster; tentacle monster is reaped by _you_."

* * *

**Just a little something inspired by a funny Russia picture I saw. Plus, its coming up to Halloween, so we need something with monsters it it, right?**

**We're onto seven reviews. My promise still stands.**

**I don't own Hetalia, the 3DS or Pokemon, or the Tentacle Monster Control. I don't even know if the Tentacle Monster Control actually exists.  
-Laurel Silver**


	12. Ceiling

**Characters:  
Kiku 'Japan' Honda  
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland  
Matthew 'Canada' Williams  
Ivan 'Russia' Braginski**

**Pairings: mentioned GerIta, RoChu**

**Summary; Jett and Matthew arrive at Yao's house to find signs of a potentially abusive relationship  
TRIGGER WARNING; mentions of abuse and suggested dom/sub relationship  
LESS SERIOUS WARNING; 'aru' overload**

* * *

After bidding farewell to Kiku, Jett now traumatised from 'accidentally' flicking through Kiku's GerIta drawing book, Jett and Matthew head to Yao's house in China. They break the laws of physics by being able to walk from Tokyo to Beijing in under an hour, and knock on the door, Matthew still fanning himself with the fan Kiku has kindly let him keep.

It takes Yao several minutes to get to the door, and several minutes more to get it open. Jett starts to complain about the wait when Yao raises his hands, shoving them into his face, then into Matthew's a few seconds later and back again, switching quickly between the two men.

Jett just stares with an expression of confused bewilderment. It isn't until Matthew steps back to avoid another face-full of fabric that he realises that the long sleeves of Yao's tunic have been intricately tied together.

Gently taking the older nation by the wrists, Matthew begins to carefully pick the knot apart, quietly asking, "How did this even happen?"

"Ivan did it, aru," Yao sighs.

"Oh, he found you then?" Jett asks, "He saved us from a tentacle monster earlier when he was looking for you."

"A tentacle monster?" Yao looks confused, "I didn't know you two were friends with Kiku."

"Yeah, Mattie and Kiku get along well. Something about being quiet; they're not really friends, they just sit together for the sake of not looking like loners, y'know?"

Matthew glares at his Australian brother, "Well, at least I don't get drunk and start wrestling random, wild, _dangerous_ animals with my friends!"

"Hey! Wrestling animals is damn good exercise!"

"You tried to wrestle a giant tentacle monster!"

"That would be really stupid, aru," Yao says, stifling a laugh at Jett's recklessness.

"Anyway," Matthew changes the conversation, "How long has Ivan been here?"

"A… while, aru. He tied my sleeves together then pulled himself between my arms so I was forced to hug him, aru."

"Is that why it took you so long to answer the door?" Jett asks.

Yao nods. "It was difficult to escape him, especially as he was hugging me back so tightly, aru."

Matthew gives a small noise of triumph as the sleeves of Yao's tunic slide apart. Yao snatches his hands to his body, trying desperately to smooth the crumpled fabric back down, mumbling to himself in his own language.

"Yeah, you're welcome," Matthew mumbles awkwardly.

After a few long seconds of listening to the angered whispers in Chinese, Jett asks; "Did he fall through the ceiling?"

"What?" Yao asks, frowning at the Australian as if he's grown a second head.

"Ivan. He was in Kiku's ceiling," Jett says, randomly pointing skywards.

"Again?" Yao exclaims.

"Again?! Fucking again?!" Jett yells. "How often does this happen?"

Matthew frowns, "I'm sure you said that earlier."

Yao sighs, "He does that a lot, aru. He's also been known to follow me, hide in my house or garden, even dress up in a panda costume, aru."

"That's creepy," Jett says, pulling a face that can only be described as a strange mixture of concern and disgust, "Isn't there someone you can contact about this? His boss, perhaps?"

"No, aru. Well, yes, aru. Well… I don't want to, aru."

"What do you mean you don't want to?" Matthew asks, voice rising slightly, "He's stalking you, Yao."

"Yes, aru, but… he's really good to me, he just demands a lot of attention, like a big kid, aru. It's a little creepy at times, but he's never done anything bad, aru. Besides, if I tell him he has to stop, he'll stay away from me until I feel bad about it, aru."

"And that sounds like emotional abuse," Matthew says.

"No, it isn't, aru!" Yao exclaims, "It's not bad, aru! He's just… he'll do what I tell him to, aru. Like a puppy, aru."

"I'm not quite believing this," Matthew says, Jett nodding in agreement.

"I think that you should leave, da?" Ivan appears at the door, causing both Matthew and Jett to scream aloud. Ivan is only in his scarf and Russian flag boxers, his hands handcuffed firmly in front of him. "Unless Australia and Canada are planning to become one with Mother Russia too?"

"No!" Yao snaps. Jett jumps into Matthew's arms in fear, and even Ivan (lol rhymes) shrinks back a little. "Get back upstairs, aru," Yao snarls, slapping Ivan firmly on the arm.

Ivan nods pathetically and practically sprints away. Jett and Matthew exchange looks that melt from confusion to horror to awe, before Jett realises that he is laid bridal-style in Matthew's arms and jumps back down, coughing awkwardly.

"I'm so sorry we interrupted," Matthew starts to pull Jett away from the house, "We'll be on our way, now."

"Can you tell Kiku to send me the bill for his ceiling? I'll get Ivan to pay it, aru."

"Sure, mate," Jett gives an uncomfortable wave as Yao heads back into his house. "So…why were his sleeves tied together?"

"Ivan did it. Then probably stripped himself and handcuffed his own wrists around Yao. To be honest, he should have stripped Yao of his trousers first, at least," Matthew says calmly.

"How do you know that?"

"I'm half-French, remember?" Matthew laughs a little. "And I'm definitely not going to look at Yao the same way ever again."

"Nah, mate, never again…"

* * *

**This chapter happened because Rey129 left a review asking how Yao would feel about Ivan breaking through roofs and ceilings to find Yao. The rest... I don't even know**

**I personally don't think this chapter is as funny as some others, but from experience things I think are shit seem to get the most favourites/reviews, so here it is anyway**

**I still don't own Hetalia, and I highly doubt I ever will  
-Laurel Silver**


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